Sunday, August 31, 2024

Lock up!

Recently when we went down to see our house, we discovered that it was already in the lock-up stage... oh no! Hubby circled the perimeter to see if there was an outlet in... but everything was securely locked up! Which is good of course. At least we know the builders are taking responsible to ensure that the house and contents are safe and secure.

But how were we to get inside to have a peek at the latest developments???



Well, it was then discovered that I proved to be a useful 'tool' at this stage. With my small hands and wrists, I was able to squeeze my hand through the knob hole and unlock the door.



Now you see what I have to endure!

But it was great to see the progress they've been making. They've started installing the fittings and appliances in. So the bathroom sinks and taps are in, as well as the kitchen appliances.



And of course my beautiful corian kitchen benchtop!



This is me having a moment imagining myself using my new kitchen...



Some close ups of the new appliances and fittings installed around the house:


I guess it's worth it

Saturday morning, I was forced to drag my sleepy and tired self out of bed at 7.15am (Aaarrrrghhhh!!! Saturdays are meant for sleeping in!!!!!!). Culprit??? No one else but by my dear hubby.

WHY?????

Answer: Canning Vale Markets.

So half an hour later I found myself walking in the slightly chilly air toward the entrance of the fruit and veg warehouse of the markets.

Aaahhh... haven't been here in a while. But things are still the same. Surrounded by black haired folks in the mad scramble for the most unspoilt piece of melon, cabbage heads, carton of apples etc. etc. etc.

Because of the tremendously cheap price, we ALSO left the place with some fresh produce:- rockmelons, leafy chinese greens, garlic and cabbages... which we split amongst ourselves and hubby's colleagues who were with us.

After that we proceeded to the fish markets. I had never been inside this section before, so this was something new! There I was armed with plastic gloves, perusing and pressing fish for quality and freshness. We ended up buying two MASSIVELY ENORMOUS fish... trout and salom, each weighing about 4kg each and measuring about 60cm!!! I should have taken a photo of the fish then, but my hands were very slimy and fishy, and by the time I got cleaned up, we had already taken the fish behind to get it cut up to share with hubby's colleagues (definitely impossible for one family to finish everything themselves!)



I cooked the first batch on Sunday night. Baked salmon. Didn't need to add any extra seasoning and the fish tasted so buttery and succulent. *mouth watering*

I also bought about 700g of fresh prawns. Haven't decided yet how to cook them, but they should taste lovely!



So although I had to sacrifice my usual Saturday morning sleep in... I guess it was worth it!

Thursday, August 28, 2024

How to agree to disagree?

I think am generally a very safe and cautious person. Particularly when it comes to emotions and personal weaknesses (which I rarely share). Most people are I suppose.

Grief is a complex thing to go through. Maybe it's just me. But maybe for you too. Particularly when in involves more then one person. This is probably a little difficult to share. But then it occured to me that others may face similar difficulties as well. I don't know... maybe I am alone in this as well.

Usually, I tend to put a brave and strong face to most difficulties. But in this case I thought I'd to come out and be completely honest...

We all have different ways of handling grief. Agree? Usually it works well when we are walking different paths in life. But what if two people are walking the same path together? That's when things get a little complex I guess. Not only in the different ways of handling the grief, but maybe even the whole reaction and emotion toward the grievous situation itself is on two complete different zones. And furthermore having altogether different definitions of what 'grieving' and 'moving on' mean.

How does one agree to disagree in such a situation?
.
.
.
.
.
I don't have the answer either.

And after we've said everything that needs to be said. And we go to bed still not knowing how circumstances will unfold the next time round. All is left is a feeling of isolation.

I already know all the textbook answers.

But textbook answers rarely fit well with a complexity.

Sunday, August 24, 2024

Did I make the right colour choice?

Pics from our latest excursion to our house under construction

Bathroom tiling and laminates


Laundry Tiling


I've been agonising over the colour scheme. Did I make the right choice? Does it blend? Why did I choose this selection? Will it wear well?

Hubby is very patient in assuring me again and again that it looks great. If only it were that easy for me.

Roti Serene

I had been craving for the buttermilk buns from Menggatal near my hometown in Sabah. Mum used to buy some for afternoon tea on her way home from work. Just thinking about the warm soft bread filled with the sweet butter filling... mmmmm!!! *shivers in pleasure*

Unfortunately, being very far away from my hometown at present, I decided to make my own.

This is the recipe I followed:

For the bread dough
2 and 1/4 cups - high protein bread flour
1/4 cups - refined plain flour
1/2 cup - caster sugar
2 and 1/2 teaspoon - skim milk powder
2 and 1/2 teaspoons - yeast
1/2 cup - warm water
1 teaspoon - salt
30g - butter (room tempreature)
1 small egg

Combine all ingredients except butter and knead to a soft dough. Then add butter and continue kneading until elastic. If dough feels sticky, do not add flour, just continue kneading until the dough comes together (don't worry, it will!)

Prove dough for about 2 hours - i.e. set aside dough to rise in a covered bowl or container.

After first proving, take out dough and knead for a while. Then separate into small pieces. Add filling, shape into buns and put into baking trays. Set aside until buns doubles in size.

Bake buns in a preheated oven at 200 degrees celcius for about 30 minutes or until golden.




For the butter milk filling
70g butter
1/4 cup icing sugar
1 tablespoon cornflour
3/4 cups skim milk powder
1 small egg
1 pinch of salt

Cream butter, sugar and salt together. Then add egg bit by bit, mixing well in between. Then add milk powder and cornflour and mix together with spatula.


Results???

Well, the butter milk filling tasted lovely. But I think my bread was not 100% successful. I already suspected something was amiss when my dough refused to rise properly. I think it must be the yeast. I used one 7g sachet of instant dried yeast which I had assumed to be enough. But after checking my dough a few times, I did a quick google search to find out the problem... one person mentioned that nowadays with producers being more stingy due to rising costs, the servings of yeast sachets have been shrinking over the past few years. So it's usually necessary to use one and a half or even two sachets each time. Terrible kan? So because of that, my bread was not as soft and airy as I wanted. But it still had the sweet, milky taste which I was also aiming for.

*Sigh* What to do. Try again next time I guess.

I also used some tau sar (red bean) filling for a couple of the buns.



Hubby said they tasted super yummy! ^_^

But then he had to ask me whether they were muffins or bread...
-_-" *Haiz*

Does anyone have any other tips on what I could do to improve my bread?

In the same split second...

More excited whisperings in church today as a dear sister shared her newly discovered pregnancy.

The heart does strange things. It really is possible to feel two completely opposite emotions at the exact same moment. In the split second when the joyful news was whispered to me, I felt a real and true genuine warmth and rejoicing (how can I not, because I can completely relate to the happiness and simple joy of just knowing that you carry a tiny little life inside you. It's absolutely amazing). And within the very same moment, I also felt a kind of pain... a very small one... like a stab of a needle right into that tender spot. But I know there is nothing I can change.

*Sigh* Well just with any declaration of hurt or pain made in a public space, one always needs to qualify such a statement. And this I firmly say with my hand on my heart: That I hold NO malice or jealousy or any hate whatsoever in hearing this news. So I beg you please not to read into this for more than what it is. But simply allow this woman to pour these thoughts out to find release and comfort.

So pleeeease don't hold back any good news to share with me, k? I still crave news of joy and happiness and soak it up as affirmation of God's enduring goodness and mercy! :) That is something I definitely need, ya? Just like David in 2 Samuel 12 who was not in denial of his son's death, although he was weeping through the night, joy comes in the morning...


...On the seventh day the child died.

David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate."

David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realised the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked.
"Yes," they replied, "he is dead."

Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"

He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?"

"I will go to him, but he will not return to me."


The smallest corner in my heart

I am happy overall. God is good.

There's still a tiny spot in the smallest corner of my heart that still resonates with a soft sadness once in a long while. A teeny tiny thought crosses my mind... and then inside I feel something like a wrong note in a string of music, or something out of place in a beautiful picture... it's difficult to explain exactly... but just something like... a kind of raw feeling?

I reread a couple of loving messages which help soothe this rawness.

Sweet lines jotted down by Irene...


A butterfly lights
beside us like a sunbeam.
for a brief moment,
its glory and beauty
belonged to our world.
It then flies on again.
Though we wish
it could have stayed,
we are blessed
to have seen it...



And thoughts from Wini...

...as I read the posts of your blog, I can totally feel the hope and peace you feel yet not in denial! I was not in denial when I was at peace. I cried heaps for my baby had died. It was just right to mourn.

It isn't just a lump of fetus that ceased to grow (it makes me so angry when people look at our babies that way). They are our babies. Ours... our flesh and blood, they had spirits, soul and little little bodies :)

They had feelings, they felt our love as we talked to them. They knew us as their mothers. They were human beings.

As I read your blog and how you told your babies to grow well while you eat well... it really touched my heart. Your babies heard you, and felt your love.

Therefore, they deserve to be mourned..to be remembered..to be cherished and to be loved like all human beings...

Saturday, August 23, 2024

Breakfast ramblings

This morning hubby had to go in for work, so after a good-bye kiss I was left alone with my own thoughts.

For some reason, my mind started wandering back in time to when I was a teen, having great times with my dear friends in our church youth group.

As I sit here munching on my breakfast cheerios and milk, I am reminiscing over the little dramas and crushes we four girls used to agonise over together. There is a very specific scene in my mind: Four girls in a car, driving on a winding road up a hill, to send one of us home after a particular youth activity... the two girls at the back were crouching forward, listening in earnest as one shared her BGR dilemma. We listened intently, shared advice, and we also prayed together. Haha... I thought it a very cute scene thinking back. But I believe we were probably extremely serious about it back then (as it should be!).

There was one particular girl in our group who was very very frequently the subject of crushes from the opposite gender. There was just something so sweet and wholesome about her that made her so attractive I suppose. In fact each of us was attractive in our own right, having very different personas to each other...

Warm, chirpy and chatty







Sweet, wholesome and simple









Vivacious and athletic





Serene and poised





I don't think the above descriptions do any of the girls justice actually. Each has a rich prism of aspects to our personalities. But the point I wanted to make was how vastly different we were from each other. Each of us had our share of attention from opposite gender. But back then I sometimes wondered whether this fair-complexion, sweet, simple personality was in fact almost every guy's ideal.

Of course now I know better. Back then our BGR encounters were probably largely based on these outward personas and impressions.

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (2004)
Rosalee: I can't go with you Tad, because you don't love me, you maybe want to love me. But I think what you love right now is the idea of me. You can't love someone for what they stand for or seem to be. You have to love them for their details, for the little things that are true of them and only them.
So we got our hearts broken. Picked ourselves up. Moved on. Grew. Matured...
Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (2004)
Angelica: Well is it love, big love, or great love?
Pete: What do you mean?
Angelica: Well, love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love... changes your life. So which one is it?

(Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder if there is actually a point I'm trying to get at in this rambling)

Well I believe that I stand next to someone who doesn't just love me for a persona or any character I try to play... but simply just me! That was the thought that came to mind as I smiled at my dear man as he headed out the door for work this morning.

Friday, August 22, 2024

Juggling

It's sooooo tempting... BUT I shall strive to avoid using the forbidden word to describe my situation.

I am now settling into my new senior role. It was a promotion I had very much wanted and am thankful for to have been given. Although it would been ideal to have been able to ease bit by bit into this role, unfortunately that is a luxury that cannot be afforded at my company at the moment... so I have been pretty much been thrust into a whirlpool of handling new responsibilities and juggling different tasks from both my old and new roles.

Well, at least I won't have any reason to complain that things are dull!

P.S. We need analysts... so drop me a line or call if you think this might be your cup of tea.

Saturday, August 16, 2024

She flies away...

I've heard of the 'empty nest syndrome' when babies leave the nest. When I first read this poem, that was how I interpreted it. But I could never really understand the second verse... most poems are open to interpretation by the reader. So now I read this poem in a very different way.


Cradle Song

What does little birdie say
In her nest at peep of day?
Let me fly, says little birdie,
Mother, let me fly away.
Birdie, rest a little longer,
Till thy little wings are stronger.
So she rests a little longer,
Then she flies away.

What does little baby say,
In her bed at peep of day?
Baby says, like little birdie,
Let me rise and fly away.
Baby, sleep a little longer,
Till thy little limbs are stronger.
If she sleeps a little longer,
Baby too shall fly away.

(Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

Friday, August 15, 2024

Activity inside the house

So things are progressing with our house. They've finished plastering the outside of the house.



The workers have now taken the activity inside the house and during our last site visit, we were pleased to see that all tbe cabinets and laminates have been installed.





To help you see the difference, here is a snapshot of what the area looked like BEFORE...


And here's what it looks like NOW.


Unfortunately, I'm now suffering from buyer's remorse. As I walk through the house, I keep thinking repeatedly "Did I make the right colour choice? Did I? Did I???"... Haaaiiiiz.... Everything still looks half done, so some of the things look weird. I seriously hope that when everything comes together, it will look perfect (to me).

They've also just started the tiling for the bathrooms and laundry area which I will have pics of the next time we visit.

Tuesday, August 12, 2024

Yet will I praise Thee

Yesterday at cell, I shared about what we had been going through over the past week.

(...was it really only last week that it all happened? A lot has changed since then...)

I thought I would be fully calm and composed by now. But in the midst of the sharing, I couldn't stop the choking feeling in my throat as I recounted the chain of events and affirmed God's faithfulness through it all. Truly He has been my strength. And truly I have been riding on the wings of prayers of many loved ones these past couple of weeks.

For yesterday's worship, I chose one of my favourite songs "Yet Will I Praise Thee" which the familiar refrain is repeated throughout Psalm 42... "Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God"



...My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"...

...Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?


Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God...


Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.


I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning...

...Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?


Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God
.

My First Surgery

Yesterday's surgery was a new and interesting experience for me even though parts of it were slightly uncomfortable or unpleasant.

After waiting an hour or so, a doctor finally saw us. He did another ultrasound to review my case and confirm the initial diagnosis. And although it's sad, he confirmed that there was really no heartbeat left in the gestational sac. So we scheduled to get a D&C done that day itself.

We had to go through all the standard paperwork, and sign consent forms after having the procedure explained to us in detail. The doctor was very nice and patient in answering our questions and helping us understand what to expect.

After all that, the first thing they did was to put an IV needle into my wrist. This was not very pleasant.


(Above pic not mine - for illustration purpose. Source: Wikipedia)

The nurse prodded my arm and pressed my veins for a while before she declared that she was not confident to do it. She pulled back the curtains and called out "fiddly veins, need some help here!". So another doctor came in to do it. My veins were too small to do it on my hand, so he put it into the side of my wrist. Wah, can really feel it man! Even hubby winced a bit as he watched the needle being poked through my flesh. After that they injected some liquid and I could feel a cold rush snake all the way up my arm. Throughout the rest of the afternoon, I could feel the tension and pinch on my wrist of the IV needle and drip. That was probably the most uncomfortable part of this whole experience.

After that we went up to day surgery, got weighed, blood pressure recorded and all that. And then I had to lie down and have two pills shoved up my *ahem* to dilate my cervix (sorry, should have warned you there). This was also uncomfortable, but at least it was short and quick.

Then came the long part of waiting. Waiting for my turn for surgery. Waiting for the dilation pills to take effect. Waiting for everything to be over. Hubby left for a while to get something to eat —the poor man hadn't eaten anything all morning. I also felt very hungry and thirsty even though I was technically being fed through the drip. I slept for a while, read a bit. Thankfully I also had a visitor - Diana stopped by for a while which helped to break the monotony a bit.

And then finally, "We're taking you to surgery now, Serene!" the nurse chirped. I felt both relieved but also a little nervous.

"Hey, should I call your hubby in to see you one last time???"
—Diana, concernedly.

Hmmm... like going to die like that. I told her I'd be fine.... I should be, right? I don't think the worst could happen. In any case, it's still okay to have Diana as the last face I saw on earth! :)

On the way to surgery, there were numerous more questions. "Is this your name?", "What procedure are you having", "Are you allergic to anything?". All to which I answered again and again patiently. Finally jokingly I said "Afraid you might have the wrong patient?". They returned my smile, "That's right, mistakes happen, so we just need to make sure!".

In the surgery room, a pleasant-faced doctor came up to me, introduced himself as Dr Tim and told me he was going to inject something to make me go to sleep. I felt something sharp and slightly painful as he injected some liquid through my IV. And then things started to spin around me slightly.

Dr Tim continued to chat to me, asking me where I was born, what I worked as, where I lived... I think I answered some of his questions. But I believe somewhere in the midst of his chit chat, I must have knocked out.

The next thing I knew, I was shivering with cold as I felt something being taken out of my mouth, and someone asking me if I was okay and telling me that the nurses will be coming shortly to take me back to day surgery. I remember asking what time it was before knocking out again.

And then I was back in the day surgery ward. The nurse came to attend to me, gave me some water, tucked in my blankets, and told me that she had informed my husband that I was out. Shortly after that, hubby came up beside me. We chatted for a while and I went back to sleep again. When I woke up, the nurse brought me a snack of cheese and crackers and apple juice, all which tasted soooooo good. Hubby remarked that I ate like I was starving.

And that was the end of 'My First Surgery'.

Perhaps I can consider this as some kind of closure. Although I still feel a little bit sad. But I think I'm strong enough to move on knowing that our babies (yes, apparently there were not one but two foetal poles in the sac) are in God's hands.

Monday, August 11, 2024

Contrast

Back home from the D&C surgery. It was a new experience since I've never undergone any form of surgery ever before.

Receiving lots of kindness from people around me. Phonecalls and messages. Someone visiting me at hospital (even though it's just a day surgery), bubble tea, snacks, dinner, herbal soups.

In the spirit of writing hurts on sand so that the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, I have deleted the rest of this entry...


...

/// sand dunes ///

...


Sunday, August 10, 2024

Finding a kind of release

Different people have different ways of coping with grief.

A few months ago, I had brought over this classic volume of poetry that I think used to be my mum's. I had wanted to read out some of my favourite verses aloud to the little life growing in me... to share some of the music of words that I thrilled to in these lines.

But I guess it was not to be.



As I flicked through the pages of verses, I came across some familiar words that just expressed so aptly, the anguish I was feeling inside. I find a kind of release in these words that described my precise thoughts and feelings.


Tears, Idle Tears
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more...


I Shall Know Why
Emily Dickinson
I shall know why, when time is over,
And I have ceased to wonder why;
Christ will explain each separate anguish
In the fair schoolroom of the sky.

He will tell me what Peter promised,
And I, for wonder at his woe,
I shall forget the drop of anguish
That scalds me now, that scalds me now.

Saturday, August 09, 2024

Thank you

Thank you for the chicken soup, the pumpkin soup, the flowers, the phonecalls, the messages, the prayers, and simple care and concern.



In the spirit of the saying that we should engrave the loving deeds of friends upon the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can erase it... I've posted up a photo of the meal Diana prepared and brought over for me.


It was meant for only me, but it was quite a lot of food so I shared it with hubby. I'm sure the husband needs some comfort as well! :)

Sharing my backdated thoughts

After some thought. I decided to publish these thoughts which I've been journalling over the past few weeks. These are still precious thoughts which I don't want to simply throw away. And by sharing it, maybe it will help someone else out there who might have gone through or is going through a similar situation.

6th July
Been suspecting for a couple of weeks since I missed my period. Hubby was inclined to just sit back "moi kan cheong" and take it slowly. But I've been getting more and more restless each day. So I finally decided to do a home pregnancy test. So this morning when I woke up, I sneaked quietly out of bed to the toilet, test kit in hand, collected my pee and dipped the test strip in my pee according to the attached intructions. I waited breathlessly as the waves of pink colour washed across the strip... one strip... and and and... is that a second strip I see??? I waited another minute just to make sure the second strip didn't disappear. But there it was, plain and pink! I could hardly believe it! I calmly snuggled back into bed next to hubby and whispered the news. Hubby opened his eyes sleepily and muttered "Really??? That's great... congratulations honey..." and fell back to sleep. I laid there a few more minutes and got out of bed. It was difficult to know what to feel. I had split second feelings of joy, and then overwhelmed by the tremendous life change this meant. And over everything, just a general surrealness. Later as I was putting on my make-up in the bathroom, hubby walked in and said "Hon, was I dreaming just now and you said...", I just smiled and pointed to the test strip. "It's real".

First people to tell. Parents.

P.S. I called my parents who were at the airport just departing Sydney. Actually I didn't even really tell anything. All I said was "I have some good news to share..." and then dad jumped in excitedly "Aaaahhh... I know what it is!"

Such a happy day.


7th July
Still feels very surreal.

So decided to take ANOTHER home pregnancy test this evening. Hubby said no need lar, should be confirmed. But I just wanted to make sure and lay my mind to rest that this is REAL!

It's real.


8th July
Been surfing through the internet for pregnancy and motherhood articles. I had browsed through some books at the library recently, they have a HUGE section but didn't find anything that appealed to me... not even the PREGNANCY FOR DUMMIES... searching for info on the web has been to much of a habit already so why stop now?


9th July
Some examples of initial reactions from people we've told:

Dad: Aaaaahhh.... I know already!!!

Sam: The kid can call me MISTER LEE

Mum: Dad has been talking non-stop about being a grandad this whole time

Paul: So no more alchohol for you, eh??? Well we can't have the kid turning into a drunken fool anyway!

Close friend: Actually... I'm pregnant too! [Konon like trying to steal my thunder! ^ ^]


10th July
Started noting down some baby names today. What do you think of Brendan? Or maybe Audrey?


20th July
Not been feeling 'pregnant' this past few weeks. Except maybe a bit hungrier... and maybe a little sleepier. But sometimes I wonder whether those feelings are purely psychological. Either way, I've been having small HEALTHY snacks throughout the day... nuts, raisins, yoghurt, crackers, a piece of fruit. Yes, now must try to follow the 2 fruit 5 vegie mantra! As for the sleepy part, I've been going to bed quite early lately. By 9pm my head starts to nod, and by 9.30pm I've already crashed into bed. Hard to say whether it's because of the pregnancy... or the cold weather... or eating more...???


21st July
Thoughts to baby: Baby... wonder if you're there? So far I don't feel you yet, but I think of you every day. I know you're doing all you can to grow and become strong. I'm doing what I can to eat good food for you, ok? Eat well and grow well, baby!


27th July
News is leaking out fast. Now besides the two people in church who know. This has now increased to six more people. One of which is actually expecting too! Interestingly all three of us due about the same time next year.


28th July
Sent out this message in Facebook last night to my Rose Girls:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey girls... I received this from Wini some time back...

Winifred Heron
June 16 at 4:16pm
hey i was asking irwin if any babies were coming from his side..he said 'pressure is on..but no yet. may be next year. Please don't tell me serene is pregnant, pressure will really be on then' haha...thought nice to share...funny :)


Yup. VERY funny, Wini! ^ ^

Anyway, do me a favour. The next time you see our dear Irwin, please help me to pass on this message: "Irwin. In that case, pressure is really on now... for real."

*wink*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now let's sit back and wait for the bomb to take effect. Should be fun. Hehehehe.


4th August
Emotional draining day. Went for my first ultrasound today. Which was supposedly the routine 1st trimester scan as based on my past period date calculations, I am supposedly now 11-12 weeks pregnant.

At the radiology center, after some initial concerns about my tilted pelvis etc. we finally managed to get an image of the pregnancy sac. And after much scrunity, the radiologist finally managed to locate a tiny little something pulsating on the screen. It measured only 3mm... about the size of a rice grain, with a very tiny heartbeat. An amazing sight... which was however tempered with some worrying facts brought up by the radiologist... mainly the heartbeat of 90bpm instead of the usual range of around 120bpm. She also pointed out that the size looked like it was more 5-6 weeks rather than the 11-12 weeks we thought, which she suspected could be some miscalculations due to my irregular period. The only thing she could recommend is that my doctor reviewed the results and schedule another scan in another 1-2 weeks.

For the rest of the afternoon, I basically steeled myself to stave off any sign of emotion to maintain my composure at the office. Later on the way home on the bus, as much as I tried, I couldn't help a few tears trickling down. Even though my head told me that there was nothing conclusive yet, but waves of emotion came over as I thought about that teeny tiny dot inside me striving to live and continue growing.

I had also done some quick google searches just now about slow heartbeats in early pregnancy, and the results said that even though sometimes the heartbeat will eventually normalise, it is sometimes an indication of a risk of possible miscarriage. That was a sad thought. As morbid as it sounds, my mind couldn't help thinking of a couple of other mothers-to-be in church, and how their babies would be due about the same time as mine... what if next year I would be forced to deal with thoughts such as "mine would be the same age as them, if only...". I know, so morbid and sad, right?

God please let everything be alright.


8th August
Went to see GP yesterday to review the ultrasound results. A lot of questions but she had no answers and advise us to see a specialist. She wrote me a referral letter and gave me some contacts.

Later at home that day, I noticed some light bleeding while I was in the toilet. I was of course alarmed and called the medical helpline. The nurse there told me to go to the hospital straightaway. Also called my aunty who is a nurse and she urged me to do the same.

At the hospital they took down our details and asked us to wait. So we waited. But an hour later the nurse advised us that it would be a long wait because of the overflow in the emergency wards. She advised me to go home and rest and book in an appointment first thing the next morning. All this waiting and uncertainty was getting draining. But I tried my best not to fixate on the worst yet because we really don't know anything at this stage. I tried to cheer myself up by recounting to hubby a funny conversation with my brothers about the pregnancy... they were teasing about having a smeagol for a nephew/niece (apparently foetuses look like smeagols).

This morning we were back at the hospital at 8.00am. After an hour's wait, a doctor finally saw us. He asked me all the usual questions about my condition and history. And then did an ultrasound. We waited breathlessly as he probed around and examined the computer screen.

"Well, we can see a gestational sac... but I am unable to detect a heartbeat. I'm afraid that you have miscarried..."

My heart dropped and tears welled up in my eyes upon hearing those words.

And now, numerous phonecalls and messages later. I'm finally alone to deal with this news. To accept this. To grieve.

I'm thinking now of a book I came across years ago titled Jesse: Found in Heaven by Chris Pringle. She wrote about how she came across a video of a preacher who talked about a vision he had in the 1980s about heaven. In the vision he saw amazing things, including seeing beautiful babies and children, which surprised him because he always thought of heaven as a place for adults.

[Quote] "The babies who were lost are being raised up strong and happy in heaven by the angels and they are waiting eagerly to meet their mothers in heaven one day."

Some children were unwanted babies who had been aborted and rescued by God. Some had been miscarried and were now in angelic care, looking forward to meeting their mothers. As she heard this, Ps Chris started to weep as she remembered her own miscarriage years ago... They had wanted to name the baby 'Jesse' if it's a boy, and 'Josie' if its a girl.

[Quote:] "As I wept quietly, I had a very clear vision. I saw a young man laughing and walking. He was tall, fine looking, with tousled fair hair".

She didn't know who he was, but the the Holy Spirit spoke in her heart, "It's Jesse".

[Quote:] "He is no longer a lost baby but a real living member of a family, found in heaven. . . . He has been raised and educated in the courts of heaven . . . tutored by angels, saints and, I am sure, has walked and talked with Jesus. Now that’s an education!"

[Quote:] "Nobody speaks of the tiny little souls lost, too small to hug and too small to say goodbye to. They are but a whisper on our breath."

[Quote:] "They cannot come to you, but you can go to them."


9th August
Feeling a bit better. Receiving thoughtful and loving gestures from all around. And I am so grateful for the food, flowers, phonecalls, text messages. It's a sweet feeling to be receiving all this care. I am already smiling and even laughing sincerely at jokes.

But a layer of sadness still lingers just below the surface, which I am not always prepared for when unexpectedly I see or think of something that makes me remember. I feel a lump in my throat. And it makes me wonder how long before the sweetness of the love and joy in life is able to wash away this lingering bitter taste. Like the bitter aftertaste of swallowing some awful medicine down the throat, even long after the drinking the sweet syrup.

(More on my journey on this here)

Friday, August 08, 2024

Showing they care

From the team at work...



Was looking forward to a promotion at work. But a worrying thought crossed my mind. Will they think me weak because of this and not give me the promotion?

"Haiya... people here will not be so discriminatory" said Diana.

"I don't know... they've never had to deal with this situation before. Sending a few flowers is a totally different thing from honouring their word" said hubby.

How???

*Sigh*

But receiving the flowers still felt very nice.

The sound of a voice that is still

Break, break, break,
On thy cold grey stones, O Sea!
And I would that my tongue could utter
The thoughts that arise in me,

O well for the fisherman's boy,
That he sings for his sister at play!
O well for the sailor lad,
That he sings on his boat on the bay!

And the stately ships go on
To their haven under the hill;
But O for the touch of a vanished hand,
And the sound of a voice that is still!

Break, break, break,
At the foot of thy crags O Sea!
But the tender grace of a day that is dead
Will never come back to me.

(Lord Tennyson)

Saturday, August 02, 2024

Today's special treat

This afternoon when I dropped by the fruit and veggie grocer, I caught side of these yummy rare treats (in Australia) for a bargain price (again in Australia) of $7.99 per kg. Couldn't help scooping up a couple of handfuls to enjoy later.



If you unfortunately don't happen to know what these are... they are longans.



These were good. Sweet and juicy. Me like.

Need some enthusiasm!

For breakfast this morning, I made this precious little 'egg and ham toast muffins'.

They're the easiest things to make and would brighten up any breakfast table.

Lay thin pieces of wholemeal bread in muffin trays and toast lightly in the oven for 10-15 mins at 180 degrees celcius.

Remove tray from oven and lay a piece of ham inside each toast and crack an egg over each one.

Put back into the oven for another 10-15 minutes or until egg is cooked to your liking (e.g. maybe you like the yolk to be still runny)

Sprinkle salt, pepper, herbs or grated cheese on top if desired.





I woke up at 8am this morning to prepare this delightful treats. The guys in the house finally emerged from their bedrooms at around 9.30-10.00am onwards. I presented the little muffins to them but was met with general "*grunt*... uh, thanks" or "*grunt* what's this?".

*Crestfallen look* was hoping for a bit more enthusiasm.

I think they are getting numb or jaded by my culinary exploits.

Anyway I'm posting this photo up hoping to get more enthusiasm out there.

If you like this, you might also want to try my egg in a basket breakfast.