Petty?

The Boss recently reproached me for submitting a taxi claim which had a 7.45 time stamp instead of 8.00pm. When I tried to withdraw the claim, in the end he made a big show of being benevolent in granting me the claim.

What could I say? By now, I couldn't remember when, how or why that overtime taxi travel had occurred.

But over the past couple of months since I took a few days off for my miscarriage, I realised that I have been slogging a lot. And under the circumstance of morning after morning of coming in extra early for US conference calls... and night after night of working and slogging till late... and day after day of skipping lunches......... don't you think making a big deal or putting a guilt trip over 15 minutes is really adding fresh coal to the fire?

Okay, soooo......... even though I was at work since 7.00am that morning, skipped my lunch to meet a deadline, had to stay back to clean up messed up data, missed all the buses home.......... and by 7.45pm when I am completely drained and flat out......... still need wait another 15 minutes just so to go home and rest a few hours before the whole cycle starts again the next day.

I already know what my dad will say: "If you were a boss, you will have a different perspective"

Yeah... but what about seeing it from the hardworking, sacrificial, faithful employee's perspective for a change?

Sometimes when I feel vulnerable

At present I'm feeling rather emotionally vulnerable. Maybe its just the physical tiredness... I don't know... But when I feel like this, somehow my thoughts drift back to my first real and direct experience wtih grief. I mentioned it in passing to a few people the other day, and they seemed to brush it aside. That hurt me a little. But maybe most people don't really know how to react or handle sad news. Happy news is always easily received. But sad things seem to bring about a lot of awkwardness or brushing aside.

This experience is still something very real to me. Unfortunately hubby and I had disagreements over this. Hubby sometimes gets frustrated and even angry with me over this. I think it is because he cares for me so much and is concerned that I am not healing or moving forward from this experience. And maybe to him, 'moving on' means that it is not necessary to think or talk about it anymore.

But I believe I am moving forward. What do you think? Is it possible to have accepted it and 'moved on' and yet sometimes still think back on the experience even with a little sadness?

Sigh.

Anyway, since I am in this reflective mood, I thought I'd share this message I received which really touched me. It was almost like receiving a letter from a guardian angel... (thank you Steph)

Hi Serene

I don't know you but one day I read your blog and read about your miscarriage.

Just wanted to say that I understand what you are going thru having gone thru it myself. It is a painful time so pls give yourself time to grieve. Don't force yourself to recover and don't force yourself to forget - dont belittle what you have gone thru. Give yourself time.

You will never forget the little life that was once in you, but know that you will get better :) What gives me some comfort and some hope is that I believe one day I will see the little ones in heaven.

My husband was angry with what happened, I was just tired and wanted to forget...But what was impt was that we stuck by each other and we sure grew much closer.

Did not mean to write so much :p Just wanted to say take care of yourself and know that God does love you :)

Multiple Roles

I feel so drained and flat. And I feel so bad that I would even complain about it or even mention it. Surely there are hundreds of other people busier than me and yet manage to stay positive and energetic through it all.

I always cringe when people come up to me and say in their 'sympathetic' voice, "wah, you look soooo tired, Serene.......". Do I really look that terrible? It makes me feel so inadequate. Sigh.

I'm always amazed at my friends who can juggle multiple roles... e.g. in their career, as a wife/mother, domestic goddess, in ministry etc. While I clumsily drop balls all over the place... can't even keep up with finishing everything at work on time to get home at a decent time to cook a decent meal. I still haven't finished making the one prop I'm in charge of for Search for a Star. The house is a mess. And just now I kena big time from hubby because I left two mobile phone bills overdue until my account got temporarily suspended! (yalor, I got a new phone from my company, but now I can't even really use it yet! *geram*)

I feel like Im gonna collapse from having to switch different roles throughout the day and week, from work, to wife/chef/homemaker, to doing worship/prayer/etc. at cell group. Hopefully I don't end up mixing everything up one fine day!

And I know... I knoooooooow... (as hubby 'lectured' me just now) that there's no point explaining my situation because EVERYBODY in the whole damn world is also busy... who am to act as if I'm so special or different in some way?

Can't even imagine adding 'mother' to my list of multiple roles! (I can already see the 'I told you so' look from hubby).

So sorry. This is such a whiny and pathetic post. Thank you for having the patience to actually read through all the above. I hope I can get a better grip of myself soon. Otherwise there might be many more posts like this to come and then lose all your readership and interest. So I will try, not only for my own sake, but yours too!

If I go quiet...

It's because I'm playing with my new...

The Camera

Blogged on Saturday evening, 7pm

I am sitting in the dark in the car waiting for hubby.We are late for tonight's dinner. But hubby urgently needs to settle something at work. Trying to blog on my mobile... probably will take some getting used to. Was feeling upset at hubby. We had one of little tiff just now over him (or me) forgetting to bring the camera (depends which way you look at it I guess...) *sigh*

I know there will be an abundance of other cameras at the dinner later, all capturing images of tonight's events. But I always feel better having my own camera in hand, because that way I will be absolutely certain that the photos taken will be in my keep. Which is why I felt so annoyed. I suppose we can always tumpang other people's camera. But the problem is that you can't be certain when they will actually send across the promised photos (i know I myself have been guilty of the same crime).

So as eager as you all must be to see pics of my new dress which I went through so much to get, I'm afraid it must wait until a kind soul passes us the pics.

Traumatised!!!

Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

Feeling quite faint over this morning's trauma...

Woke up at 6am this morning as hubby wanted to drop by our house site by 7am this morning to see some of the major updates to our house construction, i.e. ensuite tiles and front rendering.

The moment I caught sight of the house, I nearly wanted to faint! The paint colour looked ghastly! This must be some kind of mistake! Or what if it's worse? What if it was MY mistake???

Oooooohhhhh.... *groan*

Feeling very no energy to fight another battle with our builders... =_= ... Especially after an exhausting week and 'exciting' weekend.

Plenty of things to tell... but I only have one thing on my mind now :(

Can't bring myself to post up the photos. It might traumatise my readers as well!

Close shave!

The tone of my previous post seemed like very 'drama' like that.

Well, with some creative efforts, I managed to resolve those two dilemmas (although I do not want to resort to these last minute fixes on a regular basis... too close a shave!)

1. Haircut
Demi, our hairstylist who was also doing the bride's hair, came up with the bright idea that we should crash the bridal party's morning preparations, and she can squeeze in a slot to cut my hair right after she finishes with the bride. Felt a bit paiseh lar, but she assured us it would be ok. I thought I could sneak it and get it done discretely... but it's impossible to get a discrete moment in the midst of 'girlie heaven' bridal preparations. But I weathered the storm through the make-up, hairspray, lace, satin, camera flashes... and survived to chop off two inches of my hair.

2. Dress
On Friday, I scarificed my lunch hour to drop by Myer City to see if I could find the same dress in my size. They had the same dress, but not im my size. But thankfully, I managed to get them to call another Myer outlet to request for the dress in my size and put in on hold for me. So right after the morning ceremony, I went back to Carousel to pick up the dress! Last one in my size, man!!! Close shave indeed. Plus it was 25% off... a bonus! Hubby close one eye at the price tag and manfully signed the credit card slip.


The other thing which I had wanted to get was some new make up. I was running out of my favourite lipstick and blusher... but that was lower in priority so I didn't even allocate any time to shop for any make up items.


But thank God for nice clients! One of my clients sent me a nice package with some of their product samples... (for research purposes of course!)

Is work going too far?

This week was slightly better than last week. Not because the work was any lighter or easier... but just other good news and perks (which I'll share later).

Gonna be a busy weekend with a full on wedding happening tomorrow. There is so much personal preparation that needs to be done. But unfortunately due to work, none of it has been achieved so far.

The Dress
I think I've pretty much maxed out my existing wardrobe. Problem is that the weddings I've been attending are all among the same circle of people. So I planned to go down to Carousel on Thursday to see if I can pick out something nice. But work got in the way, so I lost a lot of precious time. By the time I got to carousel, I had less than an hour to shop. And by the time I found something I liked, it was almost 9pm. Took me a another few minutes to try it on, check if it was available in my size... by then, they were closing shop and literally chased us out!
*Geram*

The Hair
I kept putting off booking in an appointment to get my hair cut because there were just no free slots in my diary over the past couple of weeks. Finally out of desperation I managed to squeeze in a half an hour slot on Friday at 6pm sharp (very last minute, I know). But by the time I managed to tear myself away from the office it was already 6pm. Called hairdresser to say I was running late, but in the end had to let the appointment go because she couldn't wait any longer.
*Geram lagi*

Trudging on

My weekend started 2 hours later than it should. *Sigh*

After a loooooong day, I finally left the office at close to 8pm, because I had to spend extra time checking and redoing a junior's work.

Ever get the feeling that juniors nowadays seem to be slower to catch on? i.e. Does this thought every cross your mind: "Was I ever really that slow and stupid when I first started???"

So... who's ever had to deal with having their precious data 'accidentally' deleted, having to reexplain instructions several times because someone still doesn't 'get it', and discovering obviously careless mistakes in data entry, and having to clean up someone's untidy and inconsistent work.

*meekly puts hand up*

I tell myself that I need to lower my expectations... give the new guy a break.

But what if lowering my expectations means I have to shoulder more of the burden instead? You expect someone to share the load, but if they cannot handle it, someone still has to carry the load... and you look beside you and there's no one else to help. So you're forced to trudge bravely forward alone.

...and stay back late at work.